Moz Satire

Way back in 2005/2006, a website briefly existed; yes, even more briefly than Native.tv. This was called True To Yew, a website specialising in what the writers (if not anyone else) believed was sparkling sarcasm, made up facts, cheeky wit, various insults, satire to make you snort your Earl Grey through your nostrils, and a distinct lack of sensible news about the Man, the Myth, the Morrissey.

The owners came up with a list of suggested articles and various people chose which to do. However the site also contained various dodgy artworks, one of which appeared to show Morrissey threatening to engage in some unsporting and illicit activities with young choir boys. I believe it was this piece which caused some lawyers to slap some faces; perhaps Moz himself got involved, anyway the site was taken down with not a word from the owners and it was barely mentioned again.

If The Law have some issues with me putting my words up here, let me know and they will be taken down immedietely, although I don't think my stuff was inflammatory. I bear no malice. I still enjoy a nice slice of Morrissey, but don't hang around his internet communities because I quite frankly don't feel intelligent enough. Lastly, I tip my hat to Private Eye, for Hislop and co are so clever it makes me weep.

Almost News - January 1st 2006

It could have made the papers. It should have made it on Morrissey-Solo. You’ll never find it on MorrisseyMusic. It’s ALMOST news.

Person Almost Writes Story About Morrissey Without Mentioning His Sexuality Or The Smiths

Oh, shit.

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Moz Slams Know-All Fans

Rock hunk Morrissey today criticised his fans for not telling everyone where he’s living.

Morrissey said he was irritated that people who proclaim to know everything about him still haven’t managed to put his address on the Internet. Since moving from Los Angeles fans have been clueless where to hunt him down, and he thinks they aren’t trying hard enough.

“I won’t rest until my current address is announced far and wide across the Internet,” said Moz. “I was so happy when my last one was. Especially if it’s accompanied by people discussing my current taste in soft furnishings, neighbours, and which side of my front door the milk is delivered to.”

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People Travelled To Rome And Didn’t See Morrissey

A tourist came back from his holiday in Rome today having not seen Morrissey once during his trip.

“Well I went to Rome with my wife for two weeks,” said Mr. Johnson, 55. “We went to the Coliseum - it’s absolutely stunning, by the way. I couldn’t believe how huge it was. Rome certainly wasn’t built in a day! - and we had a splendid trip to a traditional pizzeria. My wife went shopping and spent a lot of our money in the Via del Babuino. But whoever this Morrissey chap is, I certainly didn’t see him. Sorry to waste your time.”

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People Travelled To Rome And Thought They Saw Morrissey, But They Didn’t

“Do you know,” said Amy P. (aged 22), “that I saw Moz standing in Gucci! So of course I followed him round Rome for a couple of days. I mean, if it’s Morrissey, that’s what you do isn’t it! But after trailing him round a building site on several occasions, I realised he was simply a rich and handsome engineer with a bit of a quiff. Sorry to waste your time. But he did look a little like Morrissey.”

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More People Travelled To Rome And Thought etc etc etc

Tourists Rich and Bob were stood outside an attractive cafe on a Roman piazza when they saw a man inside wearing a hat and eating a sandwich.

“My heart skipped a beat - it was Morrissey!” said Bob. “Eating a ham sandwich too! Or so I thought. So we went in and tried to speak to him. When he took his hat off he had blonde hair, which we thought was a bit of a disguise to keep the fans away.”

“And he spoke with a strong German accent,” continued Rich. “He kept asking us to let him eat his lunch in peace, but we wouldn’t leave until he’d signed a few autographs.”

“Now you mention it,” said Bob, “he didn’t really look like Morrissey at all. But what a close shave, eh? What if it had really been him! Sorry to waste your time though.”

to be continued on every Morrissey website across the world ever

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December 2005

Whyte Brain Slur To Web Users

Guitarist insults fans with song dedication

Alain Whyte has stunned the Moz internet community after making inappropriate remarks at a gig.

As he opened the show for his steel band Red Lightning, Whyte announced he was dedicating the first song ‘If I Only Had A Brain’ to users of Morrissey Solo.

Eyewitness reports say that the guitarist was not booed or stoned off stage because half of the crowd was fuming in a shocked silence. The other half of the crowd was trying to understand what had just been said.

A few days later, the Morrissey-Solo forum was buzzing with activity as users posted their criticism. Most of the comments were along the lines of “Bastard,” “Thoughtless turd,” and “I don’t believe it… surely this is made up?”

One user tried to sum up everyone else’s reaction with a well-thought out and eloquent defence of Whyte.

“Surely Alain is entitled to his own opinions?” said the peacemaking poster.

“If it’s true then yes, his words were cruel and thoughtless, but such is the occasional pitfall with free speech. I suggest that everyone calms down and thinks of Voltaire: ‘I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it.’

“I think ‘If I Only Had A Brain’ contains lyrics which are very relevant to everyone here. ‘I would not be just a nuffin’/ My head all full of stuffin’/ My heart all full of pain.’ We’ve all felt that, that’s why we turn to Morrissey.

“And maybe Alain had a point. I don’t mean to sound rude, but some posters on here can be a little bit mean.”

This user sadly met an unfortunate end a few days later. They were found having been repeatedly set alight, their house razed, their pets lawnmowered and their allotment raped. They had indeed defended to the death.

A message was subsequently posted the next day reading ‘Fuck Voltaire’, in the style of pleasantries usually followed by tolerant posters. As a result, this message sent their karma rating skyrocketing and they were instantly reborn as a cactus.

Alain Whyte himself has refused to comments on his comments, saying: “I refuse to comment.”

The band are set to release their first album soon. Morrissey fans are expected to send it soaring to number one on the Billboard because they might be insulted, but first and foremost they are collectors.

Red Lightning is named after a brand of super-strong cider beloved of hobos. The band members are Alain Whyte on guitar and trombone, John Dimambro on Hammond organ and harmonica, and Milo Todesco on beatbox.

The original ‘If I Only Had A Brain’ was written in anticipation of George W, Bush’s presidency; for further details, see the Internet.

Morrissey-Solo is a long running and highly informative website which provides fans with news and views on the world of Morrissey. Only a very small number of people have been killed for venting an alternative opinion on the forums; others choose to fake their own death after dropping their idiot selves right into it by talking rubbish.