Eurovision 2007

My predictions for this couldn't really have been much more wrong. Don't let me pick racehorses when the Grand National comes around. However I still maintain Israel would have won if it hadn't been for the stupid vote-some-countries-into-the-final round. And I still listen to the French entry now.

Words - Suzy Sims
Previously published on http://www.native.tv in 2007
(c) Niche News & Publishing Ltd

EUROVISION 2007

We listen to the CD, so you don’t have to.

Every year at Eurovision time, many usually sane people suddenly start betting on countries they’ve never heard of, or at least can’t point to on a map.

Has anyone seen that episode of Father Ted where they deliberately choose the worst act to prevent Ireland paying out to stage another contest? It’s like that with the UK as well. Possibly. Well, at least adopt a different country for the day and make a few pounds by betting on some other mug.

We’ve been sent the Eurovision album, so here is our guide of what to expect and our top tips for bets. Of course, not all these may make it through the semis on Thursday 10th May. Plus we can’t see if any of the acts will gain bonus points for dressing like numpties on stage or dancing insanely. We hope our guide will warn you what to expect...

ANDORRA - Anonymous ‘Salvern El Món / Let’s Save The World’
Trying to sound like Busted/Wheatus. It’s all right, but far too normal sounding and inoffensive to win anything.
6 pts

ALBANIA - Frederik Ndoci ‘Hear My Plea’
Sounds like it could be dance, then turns a bit folky and traditional. Takes itself a bit too seriously. It’s a game, boys and girls!
5 pts

ARMENIA - Hayko ‘Anytime You Need’
Possibly a lot of fist-clenching and lighter-swaying-in-the-air.
4 pts

AUSTRIA - Eric Papilaya ‘Get A Life – Get Alive’
Bit dull. We’ve forgotten what it sounds like to be honest. The picture makes him look like a game show host though.
3 pts

BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA - Maria ‘Rijeka Bez Imena’
We actually forgot this one was on until her voice became a slight yell halfway through.
4 pts

BULGARIA - Elitsa Todorova and Stoyan Yankoulov ‘Water’
Stoyan’s luxurious mullet will confirm everything you’ve ever suspected/stereotyped about certain European nations. As for the song, it's sort of techno folk. Absolutely awful.
2 pts

BELARUS - Koldun ‘Work Your Magic’
Thinks he’s James Bond and Westlife all at once. Strangely compelling.
8 pts

SWITZERLAND - DJ Bobo ‘Vampires Are Alive’
Someone trying to go down the goth-lyrics-but-clubbing-beat route. It’s not a well-travelled path, and there's a good reason why. Disco vampires are not common. Not great.
3 pts

CYPRUS - Evridiki ‘Comme Çi Comme Ça’
Appears to be in French, that native tongue of Cypriots. (Ahem). Not bad, but not special. Your parents would call it that thump thump thump clubbing music…
5 pts

CZECH REPUBLIC - Kabát ‘Malá Dáma’
It’s all right until they start singing. Someone offer them a pack of throat sweets because that noise cannot be good for you. Oh dear.
3 pts

GERMANY - Roger Cicero ‘Frauen Regier’n Die Welt’
This is pure vintage swing. Thinks he’s in the Rat Pack. Probably won’t win on account of being German. Surprisingly entertaining showtune though.
10 pts

DENMARK - DQ ‘Drama Queen’
Yes, it’s a man dressed as a - rather pink – woman. One of the better camp disco ones. Key change, high notes, it’s got it all.
8 pts

ESTONIA - Gerli Padar ‘Partners In Crime’
Sounds a bit dark and dramatic. Not a bad effort, but too much of a muchness to win anything.
6 pts

SPAIN - D’Nash ‘I Love You Mi Vida’
Another suffering from the ‘I must sing half my words in English!’ affliction. Typical hot and bouncy song sung with gusto. Do some stampy dancing to it.
7 pts

FINLAND - Hanna ‘Leave Me Alone’
Trying to win again by putting forth their version of Evanescence. Thing is, it’s been done before. And it’s not as fun as last year, in fact it’s mildly depressing.
6 pts

FRANCE- Les Fatals Picards ‘L’Amour à La Française’
Actually, we shyly admit to really liking this one. It’s a stirring little indie-ish acoustic foot-tapper. Although we don’t know if it will gain points, it’s sweet, pleasant and slightly innocent.
9 pts

GEORGIA - Sopho ‘Visionary Dream’
Just mind-numbingly dull. We’re sorry. She has a nice voice but the song is just a bass-pumping, echoing blur.
3 pts

UK - Scooch ‘Flying The Flag (For You)’
I’m firmly convinced the UK has the best music scene in the world, but on hearing this I’m tempted to become Bulgarian. Imagine the Vengaboys have come back and are trying to kiss-ass Steps. We recommend taking on another nationality for the duration of this contest. Even worse than Daz Sampson, and he was shit. We’re not going to win. End of.
3 pts

GREECE - Sarbel ‘Yassou Maria’
An odd mix of traditional Greek instruments and bleeping things. Average effort.
4 pts

CROATIA - Dragonfly feat. Dado Topić
Someone here appears to be named after a chocolate bar. This might have been a hit in, say, 1994. From the picture, they're mostly made up of the Rolling Stones dads. It’s plodding soft rock and even a smooth, Santana-esque bit of guitar can’t win us round.
5 pts

HUNGARY - Magdi Rúzsa ‘Unsubstantial Blue’
Shouty woman! It’s an all right song – you can’t go wrong with a simple bit of blues - but it’s not really the sort of catchy thing the contest looks for.
6 pts

IRELAND - Dervish ‘They Can’t Stop The Spring’
Hear those flutey notes. It’s the gentle Irish entry. It’s nice, it’s Irish, there aren’t really any other words to describe it.
5 pts

ISRAEL - Teapacks ‘Push The Button’
It’s about nuclear war, and it’s amazing. It’s got odd vocals, cheeky Gogol Bordello-style tunes, rock guitar, and a crazy rap. It’s truly an aural experience. We’d back them to win because it’s a mix of absolutely everything in one package and we haven’t heard anything like this before.
11 pts

ICELAND - Eirikur Hauksson ‘Valentine Lost’
A sort of heavy rock, Icelandic ballad. Not quite up to the standards of the Sagas, but a decent and overblown effort nevertheless.
4 pts

LITHUANIA - 4Fun ‘Love Or Leave’
A folk ballad, which confused us because from the name we were expecting a lot of camp pop and dance routines. Not particularly exciting.
4 pts

LATVIA - Bonaparti.lv ‘Questa Notte’
Oh my God, it’s like G4. A complete change from the norm, very operatic. and they’re all in tuxes. Might pick up points for being completely unexpected.
8 pts

MOLDOVA - Natalia Barbu ‘Fight’
She looks a bit dramatic. Sounds like Avril Lavigne with PMT. Unlikely to win though. Goes a little too high pitched for us.
5 pts

MONTENEGRO - Stevan Faddy ‘Ajde Kroči’
Soft rock. Distinctly plain and the guitar sounds slightly old fashioned. Dramatic drums though, but drums alone a Eurovision winner doth not make.
5 pts

FYR MACEDONIA - Karolina Gocheva ‘Mojot Svet’
Sounds brooding and contains elements of folk, but again it’s not special. It’s all right. Better than, let’s say, the UK entry. Almost gets exciting partway through.
5 pts

MALTA - Olivia Lewis ‘Vertigo’
Violins and all sorts of traditional instruments sweep through this. ‘Kissing you gives me vertigo’? Find someone who you don’t have to stand on a chair to get off with then, love.
6 pts

THE NETHERLANDS - Edsilia Rombley ‘On Top Of The World’
It’s average, and we can’t think of much to say about it. Sort of strummy guitar and an uplifting chorus. It’s just… average and forgettable. Sorry.5 pts
NORWAY - Guri Schanke ‘Ven A Bailar Conmigo’
Sounds a little like Norwegian salsa, which we can’t quite comprehend. We're tempted to drop it into our Latin dance classes though. Typical fun Eurovision.
8 pts

POLAND - The Jet Set ‘Time To Party’
Well it’s not proper urban rap, it’s Eurovision rap, which is slightly more watered down. Then it turns all dancy and unusual.
6 pts

PORTUGAL - Sabrina ‘Dança Comigo'
Another Latin-esque one. Not quite as fun as the Norwegian one, possibly because that’s less expected, but certainly good entertainment.
7 pts

ROMANIA - Todomondo ‘Liubi, Liubi, I Love You’
A charming acoustic number. It’s not bad. Halfway through, it switches to some sort of cheeky beat so you can dance to it. Check out all the European references – they want everyone to love them.
7 pts

SERBIA - Marija Serifović ‘Molitva’
Starts so quietly we almost didn’t notice. Soft with plaintive folkish tones.
6 pts

RUSSIA - Serebro ‘Song # 1’
Here goes – ‘Oh, don't call me funny bunny / I'll blow your money, money / I'll get you to my bad ass spinning for you… Put your cherry on my cake / And taste my cherry pie’. Blimey…
7 pts

SWEDEN - The Ark ‘The Worrying Kind’
Sweden is living in 1973. This is Slade, Abba, The Sweet and T-Rex all in one. But retro is currently in, so who knows how many votes they could pick up… Put on your glittery top hat and platforms to dance to this.
9 pts

SLOVENIA - Alenka Gotar ‘Cvet Z Juga’
An operatic dance howler. Very hard to sing along with, we presume. It’s an odd mix of styles. Key change!
6 pts

TURKEY - Kenan Doğulu ‘Shake It Up Shekerim’
Remember the Outhere Brothers? So does Kenan, and he’s given them a Turkish touch. He needn’t have bothered.
5 pts

UKRAINE - Verka Serduchka ‘Dancing Lasha Tumbai’
Er, the singer appears to be wearing a giant star on their head. Camp folk, which is something we don’t hear too much. Please, don’t let this one win. It’s like a rubbish children’s song. ‘Eins, zwei, drei!’
6 pts

Our tip to win is the mighty mighty Israel with their bizarre song 'Push The Button'... it's crazy, but it might just work.

Our tips for outsiders or ones which should pick up votes are France, Germany, Belgium, Denmark, Spain, Iceland, Norway, Sweden, Belarus and Latvia. They're either very good, or different to the norm.

Do not, under any circumstances, go for Bulgaria or the Czech Republic. Unless they have spectacular stage shows, they ain't gonna come away with anything apart from disappointment and a possible hangover.

Official Eurovision
Eurovision 2007 on the BBC